A Letter to Him

I miss you. I really do.

And I’m sorry for taking your decision so badly.

I guess it still surprises me just how much I care for you, just how much you have this hold on me.

In that moment that you told me we should just be friends, I went into a defence mode.

I immediately thought about us never being the way that I want us to be.

I mean… I want to be with you, it is as simple and as complicated as that.

I suppose I made the situation a pain for you, and that was the last thing that I had wanted.

As you had said, we are in separate countries and I need to remember that.

My wishful thinking seems to get the better of me sometimes, but I guess that’s just the hopeless romantic within me.

What I’ve realised now in this time is that I am a wanderer, and so are you, and that’s what we do.

We end up in different places and we will no doubt make it further and further away from each other, meeting other people and going on from there in the process.

But what I want to tell you is that even though we’ve only been acquainted for such a short period of time, you have definitely had such a huge affect on me.

I can’t emphasise enough on the impact that you’ve made and left, a mark that I find is still lingering with me now.

I know that we will never reach that stage of being together, that we will never have the experiences or moments that I wish to have with you, but in this end up, I want us to at the very least be friends.

I want to know how you are doing and what’s going on inside that head of yours, your mind that I will forever wonder about.

There is nothing I want more than to still be in contact with you, other than for me to just think endlessly on how you are or what you are doing.

Even though you will fall for other people, and even though I can’t think about you being with someone else for a single minute without my stomach dropping, I want to still talk to you, and I just want you to be happy.

I care about you enough to push my feelings to the back of my brain, to subside them.

I don’t know if you think about me or if I’m ever on your mind, but with me, you float into my thoughts on a regular basis, and if that isn’t enough to say that I shouldn’t be stubborn and that I should talk to you about this, then I don’t know what is.

Maybe one day we will see each other again, so we can go from bar to bar and drink recklessly.

I loved being able to just look at you, to gaze over and see you smiling.

It was my favourite thing spending time with you, and I hope that you know that.

Eye contact with you was different, for me it felt dangerous, like I knew already that you were going to take over my thoughts.

I’m not sure if you felt that, but to me your eyes were electric.

There were moments between the glances and kisses that would be so intense, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, or the way I felt.

You may think that this is just me being a little mellow dramatic, but believe me when I say that I never do this.

I’m unsure about a lot of things, but I am most definitely certain about my feelings for you.

I never fall this hard, I’m never captivated by someone so much that the past five months have been spent with you on my mind.

I hope that you can understand how this is frustrating and difficult and completely new for me, I mean this isn’t love, but it’s definitely close.

I don’t know how or why, but I knew before I even saw you the first time that you were going to take this huge toll on me, and after being with you, I didn’t expect to feel the way that I did.

The beginning with you was so full of promise, I thought about what it would be like to continue to see you, all the good that would have come from us.

As I’m writing this, in a way I’m afraid to write about us, because no matter what way I say how I am feeling, it will never express how I felt in that instance, how it felt to look at you.

I’m still dwelling on whether or not I will actually decided to show you this, whether I have the guts to or not.

As with you, I feel I am constantly spilling my thoughts, wearing my heart on my sleeve for you to see, and this is an effortless letter for me to write for you, as you make it so easy.

If you are actually reading this and I have sent this letter to you, then I hope that you can read and understand just what my feelings entail, the significance of them.

I hope that you don’t mind that I’m putting this all down in words, or that I’m bothering you with this, I always feel like I bother you.

I don’t want you to feel obliged, as if you have to reply or to do anything in fact, this is simply just a way of me expressing how I feel, some sort of closure if you wish.

I just feel that if I tell you exactly everything that is going through my head then I will feel better about all of this, I will feel happier about accepting what we are and what we are not, and I know now that you are not mine.

A part of me never wanted to tell you all this, to tell you how I felt, because I didn’t want to make myself look weak.

I honestly am so captivated by that big heart that you have, the heart that I don’t think you even realise you have.

You are such an amazing person, and it was a pleasure to have spent those times with you, to get to know you and to let you in, because it’s something I don’t do very easily.

Sometimes I feel stupid for feeling this way, for being so invested in someone that doesn’t mutually understand, but I guess you can’t help how you feel, emotions and feelings are something that you can’t help, which is why I understandΒ why you said the things you did.

I don’t know how to end this letter, how to finish expressing myself on how I feel about you, but I just want to say one more thing, please take care of yourself.

This has all been so lovely. I can’t emphasise that enough, and I hope that you are happy wherever you end up, with whoever you end up meeting, whoever you end up with, in whatever situations you are in.

To me, you’re the boy that I think about frequently when I walk through the streets of Barcelona, the boy that I know is so easy to fall in love with, but maybe to you I’m the girl that was there to pass time, someone that you will vaguely remember over time.

All these things I have mentioned are little things, little moments and thoughts that may not mean anything to you, but to me they do.

The little things, these little moments, they aren’t little to me, they’re more.

I mean, it may have been in bits and pieces, some of it may have not made sense at the time and were thoughtless and fast, but I gave you the best of me.

Things may never be the way they were, but I won’t ever forget those nights with you when it all felt right.

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